Saturday, January 8, 2011

A post that sucks.

I'm going to tell you what sucks. Flat out.

- Watching all of your friends have the time of their life in college while you're just begging for college to be over.
- Not being able to meet anyone like, ever due to the fact that I go out, what? twice a month?
- Watching your son run to his Grandma and Grandpa when he gets home and not acknowledging you.
- Being hit every single diaper change
- Having to have the maturity of the 30 year old and not fitting in with people because of it
- The feeling of guilt every time I have a night off.
- Feeling like you are failing miserably at being a parent
- Knowing you are being criticized by everyone. For everything you do.

I'm envious of most people my age. There. I said it. For once in 3 years I want to be selfish. I want to only worry about myself. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want to. I want to be able to eat food when I want to eat food. I want to cry when I feel like crying. I want to stay in bed all day for no reason. But no matter what, that will never be my life. Ever. No matter how far I am from Aden, I will always worry about him. I will always put him before myself.

I knew I would feel this way with the quarter starting again. Who in the world wants to leave their kid for 4 nights in a row to go to school? Probably the part that hurts the most, is that he doesn't even care when I leave. It just DOESN'T affect him. He doesn't cry when I go, he isn't happy to see me when I get home.. It's like i'm failing as a mother.

In the past 2 1/2 months, I have lost 13 pounds. Last time I weighed myself? 92.6. It's like this cycle I just can't break. I get so nervous about school and caught up with Aden that I just don't eat. I'm trying so hard to gain weight right now because I personally don't like looking like a skeleton. I'm tired all the time, Carrying Aden up and down the stairs exhausts me, and I look like i'm sick.

So, What doesn't suck?

Loving my son more than anything in the entire world and knowing that he is all I need to be happy.

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