To be honest, I don't really know who I am. And to make matters more complicated, I don't know who I want to be. I mean, I know I want to be a good person... but that's about it.
It's really hard to grow up. Raising a kid WHILE you're growing up is even harder. I mean seriously, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm 2o. I still make horrible decisions. I still care about what people think of me. I still seek approval from everyone.
I don't want my son having to grow up and watch his mom make mistakes. It's embarrassing for both of us. Sometimes I miss when Aden was a newborn. It was a completely different feeling. I didn't care what I looked like or what people said about me or that the only thing I could hold a conversation about was baby poop and childbirth*. I only cared about my son. I didn't go out alone with my friends until Aden was ten months old. Ten.
One thing that I do that kind of sucks sometimes is giving chances. I give EVERYONE a chance, no matter what I have heard or what people tell me. If someone reaches out for help, I will give it to them no matter what. Because of that, I have met a ton of awesome, fun people. But also, I have been hurt a lot. And a lot of rumors spread around. (which I am totally used to. I think I was thought to be pregnant my entire 4 years in high school. I threw them all off when I got pregnant right after graduation. It was part of my master plan.)
I appreciate every single message I have received and all the support I am getting, I really do. I actually save every nice message I get and put them in a folder on my computer. I look back on them and remember that there really are good people. If anyone has any kind of advice, I would love to hear it. Message me on facebook, email me (epeterson0234@gmail.com), whatever. I don't care if I have never spoken to you in my life, it won't be creepy I promise. I'm just pretty lost.
*I think I'm still like that. If you get me talking, I will be completely open about being childbirth. It was a gross miracle that I had to go through therefore you should have no problem hearing about how I could feel facial features on his way out or that I peed my pants after he was born or that I bled for like 5 months after (long story) or my battle with the ragin' rrhoids. No, it's not pleasant but I would rather tell people the truth and see their disgusted reactions than sugar coat it and hide what really happens. I don't sugar coat. It's a known fact.
P.S.- AGAIN this is not an attempt to have a pity party for myself. It's a blog for me to say how I'm feeling and ask for advice. I want to remember EVERYTHING about being a young/teen mom, including bad times like these.
Ellyn you only ever knew me briefly as Lizzie's friend from down the street, but I have loved getting to know you better through your blog. The struggles you face are different than a typical 20-year old but everyone struggles in their own way. I think life is about finding yourself and what you want, and even as someone older than you without a kid (with life pretty much "by the book"), I still am discovering who that is too. I get confused and lost and sad and question what I want to do with my life and where I am going. What someone's life looks like on the outside is not what it is on the inside. So you are not alone in that aspect, I just think most people don't talk about it. So keep your head up and doing what you're doing- you are stronger than you think. And you're little guy is adoreable:)
ReplyDelete-Robyn Walsh