Monday, October 10, 2011

Only Trust Thyself, and Another Shall Not Betray Thee

I'm going to write about something that I tend to steer clear of on my blog. My relationships.

Since Aden, I have become very protective of my feelings. I don't let many people in, not in fear of me being hurt, but in fear of my son SEEING me be hurt. I was adamant on not letting guys meet my son, why should they? If you aren't going to stick around why should I let you meet what is most important to me? Not many of them expressed an interest anyways. Over time I have become pretty hardened to the idea of love and happily ever after. You see so many people get divorced, break up, and get hurt and I realized I just didn't ever want to feel like that. Don't have feelings; don't get hurt. It worked well.

But then you meet that one person who is so persistent in breaking that wall down. Not because they care. Not because they want to be with you. Just because they can. They know what to say and how to act in every situation to manipulate you into taking that wall down.

And then they crush you.

That feeling I never wanted to feel? I felt it. That fear my son seeing me get hurt? It happened.

So much in my life is unstable right now. My school schedule, Aden's schedule, working.. I'm always frantically rushing around it seems. My schedule is tough. For once it was nice to have something stable. Someone I could talk to, someone who was supportive, someone who was on my side.

The whole situation is disgusting to me. The fact that I could get so worked up over someone is disappointing and embarrassing. The fact that I still can't listen to any song on the radio or drive anywhere without something crossing my mind and me asking myself over and over, "why did I do this to myself? Why did I do this to my son?.. is pitiful. "mora til den sterke" (mother of the strong)... is a lie. How can I teach someone to be strong when I can't even be strong myself?

I feel guilty. I feel guilty that Aden was the one comforting me. I feel guilty that I made him sleep with me 6 nights in a row. I feel guilty that Aden was the one to see me cry. I feel guilty that Aden offered me "shuey" (his most prized possession) day in and day out just to comfort me. I feel guilty that I ever passed up 1 minute of my time to spend with Aden to spend it with someone else.

I wish that I could blame this on someone else. I wish that this was someone else's fault. But doing that would only show weakness and immaturity, two traits which I never wish to possess.

It's times like these when I wish I was optimistic instead of realistic.

"Only Trust Thyself, and Another Shall Not Betray Thee"- William Penn

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